Transference.

Further entries will be postponed until I sort a few things out. Check back on Friday.

I find it incomparably amazing how life/fate/karma/god/luck/chaos so consistently vex me, lift my spirits, then sink them again. Originally I surmised it was some sort of bipolar disorder, but that didn't make sense, because concrete events in my life were causing these reactions, not drifting disaffected dreaming, chemical imbalances slowly driving me mad.

A number of these such specific events have occurred, and since the real purpose of this blog is not to narrate my inane personal life, but rather and exploration of the larger concepts behind life, I will keep this entry on a strictly conceptual level, with no specific enumerated references.

Every single time I become hopeful about something, especially something that would be good for me, or even good for others, some sort of insurmountable roadblock is cast in front of me, despite the situation. Love, career, dreams, everything I truly want I am denied, and in turn I am flooded with everything I don't need. I regress and protest, this cannot be real, coincidental, someone, something is teasing me, something wants me unhappy, something is doing this on purpose, and will stop soon. I suppose this could actually be true, but I just don't believe it anymore. The fact is, my problems are probably an emulsion of blind chance and bad decisions.

But chance is rarely this persistent, and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. But when the score is counted, it really doesn't matter where all of this came from.

So.

I'm beaten, and I'm not sure if I want to bother getting back up. I really don't think I have the energy left.

Madness is a blessing
Reality is the curse
Deny coherence.