Bitches Don't Know 'Bout My Catapault.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

Denouement

It's over, and that's finally sinking in. I had a bit of a panic attack right before the burnout, but it's all cool now. I'm just done searching now. I'm no longer putting any effort into it, because fate is just better at this game than I am. This blind hopeless remanticism of mine just causes too much grief.

This should be fun.

It's become apparent that I cannot work in any profession that sets my hours. I really need to be in control of when I work and when I don't. I'd go insane with a 9-5 gig. I'm sure the stability is great for some, but I would likely abscond after a couple of weeks. I'm really thinking psychology is a good choice; I would technically be my own boss, the money would make me more than secure, I can help people, I'd feel really cool getting into the heads of my patients; each one a unique puzzle to solve, and It would satisfy my peacemaker personality, as I'd be bringing people the ability to deal with themselves.

I recently took a very accurate personality test on the BBC website. Try it if you like. My results (which I agree with) declare that I am a peacemaker. I think I'm pretty good with that idea. I'd like to think that I'm just here to help others get along, enjoy their lives more.


There's room at the top, they are telling you still.
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill.
If you want to be like the folks on the hill.

Power to the People.

Right on.

I've been listeing to a good deal of John Lennon lately; I honestly like his solo career more than The Beatles. My new streak was inspired by my recent purchase of Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur. It's a compilation of some of Lennon's greatest work, covered by very talented, popular artists. The profits from album sales go to Darfurian aid, my favorite cause to support (more on that later). I strongly suggest, that if you either care for Lennon's music, or would like to get into it, or if you would just like to make the small donation of the CD's cost to people who need it much much more than you, please buy the album.

I like Lennon because he was a rebel. Not your bullshit leatherjacket manmakeup rebel, someone who legitimately disagreed with society and acted accordingly. He simply refused to participate in the system. His music speaks to me in a way I am not accustomed to. I've always hated the method by which our society operates, the economy, the career system, and especially school. I hate school. I hate compartmentalization, the absolute sterility of the modern school system. I'm sure a real college is much better and different, but Harper is orgainzed very much like high school. There's not any learning, just standardized memorization, recitation, and diplomization. "Here's a piece of paper proving you're smart."

Bullshit.

I love learning, and I'm moderately sure that I am in fact much too intelligent for my own good, but I can't believe that we can jam children in boxes and actually expect them to come out with better mental skills. I go to school to learn, not to improve some institutional enigma's test scores, measuring what They think I should know. I'm not here so some frustrated writer can tell me about the beauty of the English language while they convince themselves that one day, they won't have to work this shit job, one day they'll be a big, popular novelist. For the record, I'm not talking about Mr. Asmussen.

It's a waste of my time. It's all a method of molding youth into the monotonous proletariat. All so those with power can keep thier places near the top of the pyramid of suffering, each one of us selling our pain for the benefit of another. Well, fuck the system; I refuse to participate.

I'm no man's slave.

Consideration

There are a lot of ways we can make the world a better place. I vote we get rid of machinated idiosyncrasies. I'd be much less pissed off on a daily basis if machines were designed intelligently; like if we got rid of the traffic light in the intersection ahead of the one I'm stopped at, turning green when there's not a fucking car on the road. All the cars that could have possibly utilized the green light were one red light away, sitting on our dumb asses and watching it turn red the second our light goes green.

What the fuck.

I've got a personal pen and paper journal now, to record my thoughts more immediately. I will wash them and post them here, shinier and more awesome than they ever were before.

Now I get mad. You may stop reading here if you wish; I would.

Why does everything I care about fall apart? Dreams, love, projects,everything. The second I attach to something, I'm fucked. Something always goes wrong. Why do I fall in love with every woman that shows me the least bit of attention? Why do I always careen my love truck into an elevated highway embankment? Seriously, what the fuck? I want to just disconnect from everyone, to care about no one, just to save the aggravation. But I can't do that. I believe that following my nature is the key to happiness, but if that's true, why am I so goddamn lonely?

Perhaps unhappiness is my nature. I'm a rather dreary person. I like rainy days more than clear ones, cold more than warm, Autumn is my favorite month, and I love sad music. Perhaps my nature is that of the lonely and morose. I just wish I could accept that, or if something could happen that would make be able to deal with myself. I'm just wondering when my ship will come in.

SHUT THE FUCK UP

My Own Blackwater

It has come to my attention that my room is covered in spider webs. This must have happened gradually, as the only time I'm in my room, the only light is that of my computer, and, for that matter, the only things I ever interact with in there are my computer and my bed. It would make sense for spiders to build webs in places I don't enter.

Scratch that, there's webs under the bed.

Now I must consider, I haven't seen anything alive in my room (that includes women) for at least 4 months. And, come to think of it, I haven't even seen the spiders that built the webs. There's 4 possibilities:

- The spiders all came overnight and I've yet to see them.
- Someone is playing a very elaborate joke on me.
- The webs have always been there, and the spiders are long gone
(Here's the one I'm going with)
- The amount of garbage [old popcans, used plates, etc] in my room has caused a steady number of insects to enter. However, I have not noticed because my room is actually filled with small cabals of ninja spiders, that eat the marauders long before I even notice them.

The strange part is, that's the most likely scenario. To be honest, if thats true, I really don't mind. They seem to be staying well out of my way, and they are providing a valuable, laziness-enabling service that I just can't get anywhere else.

So good luck you brave arachnids! And Godspeed.

My New Religion

For the past year or so, I've been having some deep spiritual issues. As of now, I'm pretty sure there's something out there, although I'm not sure it's benevolent. In fact, it makes much more sense to me that a divine being would be kind of an asshole, just because it can be. What I am sure of though, is that if some metaphysical agent did make the world we live in, it's just not very involved in our everyday lives.
Think about it. Existence is an invention, and no inventor wants to make something he has to be constantly fixing; it should work on its own.
My theistic position isn't very important, compared to my new lifestyle. I am now a Dudeist. If you haven't seen The Big Lebowski, you should. It might change your life. It probably won't.

Here's what I think:

- Life gets worse with age.
- Happiness is finding a way to enjoy every day enough to want to keep living.
- Each person has maybe 50 fun years of adulthood, max.
(Here's the important stuff)
- Each person should live in a way that makes sense for them.
- A Dudeist is a person who does/thinks/says/ what they want, whenever they want.
- Society may tell you not to act in a certain way, especially if that action makes you happier than them.
- Fuck society.
- If you want to eat, eat. If you want to sleep, sleep. If you want to ride a bike through a park wearing a cape and singing the theme song to Charles in Charge, start pedaling.
- Your life is far too short to live in a way that makes you unhappy. If you're not living the way you want to, you might as well be dead.
- If you're so miserable that you don't want to get out of bed in the morning, don't. Eventually. you'll either get bored, or die. If your depression is bad enough, either will be an improvement.
(These are the rules)
- Calm the fuck down.
- Don't be an asshole.
- Any action that hurts others cannot possibly make you happy. That's not the way it works.
- Don't be an asshole.
- Do not think that this philosophy is a free license to pillage, plunder, and rub chocolate sauce on the elderly while they sleep.
- Don't be an asshole.
- This philosophy is simply a means of cultivating and exercising personal freedom. Under no circumstances are you allowed to inhibit the freedom of others in order to exercise yours. Just because you like pushing people down stairs, if those people don't like tumbling down flight after flight, you're not allowed to do it.
- If it doesn't hurt anybody, do it.

For the record, I'm not the first to think of Dudeism. I'm just the first person that I know of to put it to these words.
In other news, I've got a killer idea for a game, I'm gaining ground in learning C++, and I'm pretty happy in deciding to make games. That's about all I have. Have a good night.

It Begins.

Those who believe in fate are ruled by it, and those who don't have no future.

Meaning, if someone believes that they have a very specific purpose, and that purpose will be fulfilled, then the guiding principle in their lives is to adhere to whatever they think that destiny is. If not saying that this is bad or wrong; it is just the nature of destiny. The direct motivation for this idea seems to be security. I am, for the record, not sure where I stand, but I guess I'm leaning towards some small facimile of a fatedriven universe.

Those who do not subscribe to a terminating fate idea take charge and control of their lives, live every moment to the fullest, or at least, they intend to. Once again, I'm not endorsing the idea, in fact I think that it doesn't leave much room for the consideration of improvement or growth.

Either way, I just felt like exploring the ramifications of the ideologies. I'm at least positive that strict adherence to either worldview can only cause selfishness and unin (or possibly just in) tentional harm to others. Let me know what you think.